There was a time when mothers would help with children’s education at schools. There was time when we were not so politically correct and mums and dads would take children on school excursions.

But all that has changed.

Now mothers and fathers cannot enter the school unless they have signed in and then often they need to be chaperoned around the school. And now with social workers in schools parents are considered the enemy. The one who is abusing their children and need to be caught out. The family unit is now the cause for all the woes of children’s behaviours.

Could it be the father? Then we need women’s refuge intervention. Could it be the mother? Then we need CYFS intervention. Either way parents are pretty much left in the cold.

And all the while the schools get worse. They ARE unsafe for children. They HAVE been for years but the majority of schools would not accept it. No matter how much the parents told them.

But now things are so out of control no-one can lie any more. They are violent and full of drugs. The teachers are unsafe to teach and cameras are in place to capture bad behaviour.

Fact is; the cameras are in plain sight and the kids know where they are safe from the cameras. Yeap, not much has changed from when I went to school. If you don’t want to get caught you just do it out of sight.

Now we have police entering the schools in South Auckland and the parents standing along the boarders of the school grounds in the centre North Island.

Parents have been forced to take their children’s education into their own hands at a North Island school plagued by drug use, violence and the abuse of teachers and students.

And despite the Ministry of Education sending in a commissioner - its highest level of intervention - to sort out problems at Rangitahi College in Murupara nearly two years ago, a damning Education Review Office report says there has been little progress.

Yesterday, parents at the school 45 minutes southeast of Rotorua, were patrolling the college gates ensuring pupils were wearing the correct uniform.

Other parents were doing their bit to combat the school’s high absenteeism rate by picking up children in vans and getting them to school on time.

“We can’t be doing all the teachers’ jobs but we are trying to get more involvement from parents - that’s what our school needs,” said Melody Delamere, who has two sons at the college and heads a group called Parent Force. “What happens inside the school gates is their responsibility but we try and do what we can on the outside.”

A recent ERO supplementary review report of Rangitahi College revealed staff were forced into a situation where they were managing student behaviour rather than promoting learning and achievement.

The report said the decile one school, with a roll of 47 boys and 46 girls, was “not always a safe environment for staff and students”.

“There is evidence of verbal abuse of staff, disobedience by students, instances of theft, vandalism, damage to school property, bullying, fighting and use of illegal drugs by students.”

Levels of student achievement at the school were low - just a handful of students managed NCEA Level 1 in 2006 and none passed levels 2 and 3.

Commissioner John Carlyon, whose role is to change the policies, procedures, culture and relationships covering virtually all areas within the school, said the report was devastating. “It was accurate and with no surprises but it’s still hard when you see it written like that.”

Mr Carlyon, who replaced the school’s Board of Trustees in 2005, said it was crucial the community had more involvement.

“I have no doubt at all that until the school is able to work with the community in a partnership the school is going to continue to face difficulties, so I’m thrilled these groups are on board.”

He expected to see positive changes at the school this year. “It’s not optional, things have to change.

“I’ve been disappointed that the expectations we agreed to in 2007 were not achieved. I know it’s been hard for the school and management but I expected things to have been better.”

Ministry of Education schools performance manager Marilyn Scott said lifting the school’s performance was not something that would happen immediately. “Nor can it be one person’s job to fix an entire school,” she said in reference to Mr Carlyon.

NZHerald

Law firm Kensington Swan has topped the list of recipients of legal
aid payments, a legal website says.

LawFuel, a legal news and job website, has published the latest legal
aid payments, obtained under the Official Information Act.

The figures showed Kensington Swan as the largest beneficiary of
legal aid payments for the 18-month period until December 31, 2007.

The firm was paid more than $3.6 million in that period, including
more than $1.3 million in the six months until the end of last year.

Second on the website’s “Legal Aid Rich List” was Wellington lawyer
Sonja Cooper, who has been suing the Government on behalf of
psychiatric patients for the past several years. She was paid $2.8
million in legal aid in the 18-month period.

Other top earners included the Auckland Maori law chambers of Charl
Hirschfeld (more than $2.8 million), Wellington’s Rainey Collins, who
also handle substantial Maori claims work, (more than $2 million),
Rotorua’s Rangitauira & Co ($1.6 million), Wellington barrister Greg
King ($1.4 million), and former Victoria University lecturer John
Miller ($1.3 million).

The highest earning region in the past six months was Waikato/Bay of
Plenty, with the top 10 recipients receiving more than $3.8 million.
By contrast, Canterbury’s top 10 earners took $1.7 million.

CHEQUE LIST

Top Five legal aid earners - 18 month period to December 31, 2007,
rounded to nearest $1000:

* Kensington Swan $3,625,000
* Sonja M Cooper $2,865,000
* Charl Hirschfeld $2,818,000
* Rainey Collins $2,080,000
* Rangitauira & Co $1,618,000

nzherald

A Family Court judge is alarmed at drug P’s impact on families. Reference Sunday Star Times 24th February 2008.

Couples are increasingly citing use of the drug methamphetamine or “P” as a reason for seeking protection orders, divorce and sole custody of children.

Family Court judges have told the Sunday Star-Times that allegations of P use in such cases were prevalent and rising.

Two judges said that a quarter of current applications for protection orders under the Domestic Violence Act involved the perpetrator of violence using P.

Problem areas included New Plymouth, Wanganui, West Auckland, Hawke’s Bay, Palmerston North and Wellington.

Principal Family Court judge Peter Boshier said the trend was a “huge concern”. “[This] is particularly ominous because it’s such a hard drug to conquer in terms of rehabilitation… Where meth is involved it produces such volatility that [judges] don’t want to put children at risk, whereas some other forms of drugs and alcohol don’t necessarily have the same alarming consequences.”

Out of 66,500 cases dealt with by the 45 Family Court judges last year, 4351 involved protection orders and 21,391 were applications for care of children.

Several family lawyers said they had noticed an increase in the number of P-related family break-ups over the past five years, including affluent families who seemed to “have it all”. In most cases, both parents had tried P socially but one had become addicted.

In one case, an Auckland couple in their early 30s started using P recreationally at a cost of $500-$800 a week. He gave up but she got addicted, which caused arguments and led to their break-up. She took their four-year-old child and lived transiently with friends, and started a relationship with a P dealer, which became violent. The woman’s neighbours and family became concerned at her dishevelled appearance and and reported her to Child, Youth and Family.

In another case, an Auckland woman in her late 20s, who was separated and shared custody of her two-year-old, developed a P habit. Her ex-husband found out and sought sole custody. At the same time, staff at the child’s crèche notified CYF over the woman’s appearance. She failed a drug test and lost custody of her child.

Boshier said judges usually granted protection where P use was alleged or proven in many cases grandparents stepped in to care for children.

“I do not want to suggest there’s anything wrong with grandparents bringing up children, but as a society we have a norm of the parents…”

Many judges direct parents accused of having a P habit to take a hair follicle test, which detects the drug months after it is taken. ESR carries out an average of three hair tests a week for Child Youth and Family, most for custody cases.

Boshier said alcohol was still regarded as the number one drug in protection orders, and cannabis was also often present.

Every day children are torn as their parents split up. New initiatives to involve them in relationship counselling could begin to ease that pain.

Jill Goldson, an Auckland Family Court counsellor who was involving children in separation counselling for a research project funded by the NZ Families Commission, has spoken out about the problems children are facing through separation. Goldson’s research involved 26 children and 34 adults. It gave families opportunities to not just listen to each other but ‘hear’ each other and work toward their own solutions.

“Parents in conflict are in crisis; it’s difficult in that state to attend fully to the children they both love,” Goldson says. “And their children fear creating more distress, so they hold on to their worries and the trouble compounds. If children’s views are sought, they need to see them used, otherwise they can end up feeling betrayed. Mostly children want to be heard within their families.”

Lucy’s dilemma threatened her life.

She was 13 when she had to choose between living with dad in Auckland or with mum in Rotorua. For 12 years Lucy* had lived happily enough between their two homes.

But her life began to spiral out of control when her mother made plans to move cities to live with her new partner. Lucy also hated the arguments between her parents. “I thought I would be happier if I lost weight.” Eating was one thing she could control and pretty soon anorexia had mastery over her. “I would not eat all day and try not to eat dinner. Then I didn’t eat at all one day, and didn’t the next either, until I was really sick and had no energy. I couldn’t do anything.”

Desperate for help, Lucy’s parents approached Jill Goldson.

Goldson says that offering two counselling intervention sessions eased communication and reduced conflict in every case.

The government provides six hours of tax-funded counselling for couples considering separating, but there is no legal provision for children to be involved. This is an anomaly, given the requirement under the Care of Children Act to listen to children’s views.

The 6 hours of counselling has been a positive step to helping parents resolve immediate problems but as many of us know it can takes years to get it right. And by then most of our children are damaged in some way not just through Parental Alienation Syndrome but through having to keep the peace with both parents.

The truth is that many single parents who have been involved in the 6 hour free counselling are still failing to come to a decent compromise where both parents are happy and the share and care of the children works out for the best. There are still child support issues, there is still the bickering in how one parent does something that the other parent doesn’t like. The end result is that the children don’t know which way to turn because they love both their parents and they want to please both the parents. They are in many cases where disputes still occur whether small bickering over being late to pick a child up to financial problems both parents can face having to provide 2 families separately instead of one family together.

The research findings are being included in a submission to the Family Matters Bill. Chief Family Court judge Peter Boshier is advocating “therapeutic counselling to help children through the difficult time of separation”.

Following Goldson’s research and international evidence which says children adjust better to parents separating if they are involved in decisions about their future, Boshier says: “A child’s own views should be central to ensuring the result is workable and acceptable to the children themselves.”

Goldson says people used to think children didn’t need counselling because they benefited from the “trickle down” effect of parents attending counselling. In many cases this does not happen.

James, 48, father of two young boys, agrees. “The Family Court says they are there for the children - they are not. There was nothing there for the children.”

He says the focus was always on “patching up” his relationship with wife Millie, never on how they could both be part of the children’s lives, although separated.

“I have been to seven counsellors, I don’t know how many psychologists and even a psychiatrist. I’m not a rapist; I’m not a paedophile. I love my children and I have fought for five years to be with them. There was no reason for me to be alienated, apart from the bitterness between me and my wife.”

Distressed by the impact their conflict was having on the boys, James moved to Tauranga and had minimal contact with his children.

Today, between jobs, he is able to share in his sons’ care. He says Goldson was “strong-minded, always asking, `What about the children? How are Dylan and Ryan coping?”‘

In fact, Dylan, eight, (James’s son) was suffering serious anxiety. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate, and had difficulty stringing words together. When Goldson asked him what was one of his main worries he immediately said he didn’t know what colour to paint his bedroom. Blue was his mum’s colour, green his dad’s, how could he keep them both happy? For him the task was impossible.

“This `double bind’… is typical for children with parents in conflict. They are damned if they do, damned if they don’t,” says Goldson. “They want to love two people who seem to hate each other and it leaves children feeling disturbed.”

Dylan’s mother Millie says knowing how her children were feeling shifted her focus from the “hurt and fractiousness” of the past to “what is happening now and in the future.

“You can see where the children are struggling. It gives you a reason not to argue with each other because you can see the pain drops down into your kids’ lives.”

For the children, the success of this intervention is being heard by both parents, and hearing their mum and dad are committed to their well-being. This process also reduces parental conflict.

Millie and James’s point-scoring relationship had them at loggerheads all the time, but Millie says Dylan’s relief was palpable when, for the first time, his parents agreed: We said “Mummy and daddy both like blue and green.”‘

“Mummy and daddy have agreed that this is how we do things,” Dylan tells his little brother.

“Parents almost always try to protect children from adult problems,” says Goldson. “But at the same time, they are going through one of the biggest crises in their lives. It is very hard to know how to talk to children when you are in grief and confusion yourself. It can be difficult to realise children want to be involved in discussions with their parents, but including them can help so much.”

Eight-year-old Aria travelled the world with her dancing parents and the company was her extended family. When her parents separated, her world collapsed.

“I feel like I’m in a dark room in my head and I’m all alone,” she told her mother, Jasmine.

But Jasmine says she felt out of her depth and had no idea how to respond. Aria’s dad Dave also felt helpless: “I didn’t know how much she was holding in.”

Jasmine wanted Aria to talk to a counsellor but Dave did not.

“Kids need simple loving,” he said. “I don’t like people mucking around with them.”

But Goldson reassured them: “It’s not separation that traumatises children they can deal with their parents going in different directions but they cannot cope with animosity.”

For Aria, being able to tell someone how she was feeling made a big difference. She liked Goldson being “beside” her and not a member of the family.

“It wasn’t a secret. I was allowed to say what was happening for me and how awful it felt.”

It worked for teenage Lucy too.

“It was nerve-wracking spilling out my life story to someone I didn’t know. It was hard”, she saiys. She was scared about her parents hearing her whole truth. “I knew there were things they weren’t going to agree on and wondered how they were going to react”.

The eating disorder was a wake-up call for everybody, says her mother Liz. If we hadn’t listened to Lucy that last time, I don’t know where she would be today. For the first time Geoff and I were speaking with a united voice.

But the last word comes from Dylan. Excited to see Goldson when the Sunday Star-Times met him, he answered all the questions patiently before saying: “But Jill, now I have a new problem. Smoking. Cigarettes. Mummy and daddy are smoking and I don’t like it. Can you tell them that?”

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. One U.S. official asked “Chief Two Eagles, You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances, you’ve seen his progress, and the damages he has done.” The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

“When white man found land, Indians were running it …

No Taxes

No Debt

Plenty buffalo

Plenty beaver

Woman do all work

Medicine man free

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing

All night have sex

Then Chief Two Eagles leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob

_________________________________________________________________________________

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is a ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (”el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women lost.

_________________________________________________________________________________

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Alex proposed to me an hour ago,”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell,”

Her mother replied, “marry him anyway. Between the two of us, We’ll show him how wrong he is.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph. The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” s he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. She pushes her luck. “I want the house,” s he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

“I want the car, too,” s he continues.

65 mph.

“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge abutment. This makes her nervous, so s he asks him: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The husband at last replies — in a quiet and controlled voice, “No, I’ve got absolutely everything I need,” he says.

“Oh, really,” the wife inquires, “so what, exactly have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and says, “The airbag.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

Woman: Would you get married again if I died?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them — she’s left-handed.
Woman: (silence)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket please” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

_________________________________________________________________________________

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the tax department.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly angry now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, You are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said,”Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

Two women, just newly arrived at the pearly gates, are comparing stories on how they died and reached Heaven.

1st woman: “I froze to death.”

2nd woman: “How horrible!”

1st woman: “It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”

2nd woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband of cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.”

1st woman: “So what happened?”

2nd woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there, I started hunting all over the house. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds.”

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”

1st woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be alive!”

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….

I finally made it to this page, I have been meaning to do this for awhile.  I am new to ‘the gang’.  My name is Julie and I have been out with Julie, Hi Julie!!!! a few times…..I have also met Sherreyn, Hi Sherreyn!!….I really enjoyed their company.  So I would like to meet more single parents out there, does anyone live on the north shore?  The coming up events sound awesome.  I have a son 7, and daughter, 12 who are going to the skateboarding festival this saturday.  It will be a good day, thanks for that Julie…….so, hi and buy to ya all, for now x

I am approaching the 1-year anniversary of my separation and am wondering where I’m at. We (at least I thought we) were very much in love and looking forward to the arrival of our first planned child. Almost immediately following the birth, my ex began to reject our son and eventually me. After 9-months of me trying to find a way through it (he just didn’t seem interested in finding a way through) I was left with no other option than to leave. Leaving meant moving from the UK back home (NZ) by myself and with a 9-month old.

A year on I feel like I should have moved on, be over it and looking forward to a new relationship but in all honesty I think,no, I know that I still love him.  In fact, I think I may even still be in love with him.  I’m finding this very hard to deal with and wondering if I’m just going to have to accept that I will always love him.  How long does it take to recover from a break-up and am I just not giving myself enough credit and/or space?

Any comments?

New mums’ sanity saver

5:00AM Sunday February 10, 2008
By Rachel Grunwell

Anne Benshaw thought she was ready for motherhood. But she reckoned without the sleep-deprivation caused by a baby with reflux.

“I had hundreds of nappies, months of meals in the freezer, auto messages on the phone,” said the 37-year-old. “I was prepared for sleepless nights and crying. But when my baby just screamed and cried… I didn’t know where to turn.”

Enter Wendy Blackburn. The Karitane-trained nurse has more than 25 years’ experience with babies and offers an overnight babysitting service.

She’s behind new website blissfulbabies.co.nz but has quietly run the business for two years.

For about $200 a night, Blackburn can arrive with a bag of tricks, including muslin wraps and reflux-friendly bottles, and nurture your newborn until dawn.

She can do the first feed of the day and slip out as the family wakes to face the day bright-eyed.

Or if the parents have been out partying and prefer to sleep off their hangovers, she can stay longer, at between $25 and $30 an hour.

Blackburn also helps families through their first 48 hours at home with their newborn and teaches parents how to cope with twins.

Benshaw, who owns a property investment company with her husband Russell, says Blackburn has worked wonders. Her daughters Grace, 2, and 6-month-old Bailey were both diagnosed with reflux, screaming constantly, projectile vomiting and sleeping badly for their first four months.

Benshaw remembers the first time she called Blackburn to the family’s Epsom home.

“I felt, really, like I was going a bit mad. Within a couple of hours she was on my doorstep… what a sanity saver.”

Benshaw said it was a relief to get some sleep and a helping hand.

Since then, she has used the overnight service half a dozen times and says it’s cheap compared with hiring professionals such as plumbers.

“My parents thought it was a celebrity thing to do. But my coffee group were like, ‘What’s the number and how can I get hold of them - now?”‘

Benshaw has since recommended Blissfulbabies to 20 friends, saying Blackburn arrived, fixed the problems, armed her with the right skills and then left.

But while she’s in demand, Blackburn hates the idea of being labelled New Zealand’s answer to Jo Frost, star of US reality TV show Supernanny. The 56-year-old mother of three grown children prefers the no-fuss title maternity nurse.

Blackburn says she and former business partner Kathie Palin have helped a few Kiwi celebrities including a TV presenter and a former All Black and his family. But her regular client-base comprises mature mums in wealthier suburbs who need help with hard-to-handle newborns.

Their families are usually unable to help too much because they are older, out-of-town or lead busy lives.

Blackburn doesn’t mind the unsociable hours. She says she’s a night owl who does the job for love.

“There’s just something about a newborn that makes me melt,” she says. “In some people’s eyes I think I’m a necessity.”

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10491603

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