What happens at the programme?

You will be in a small group with other parents (up to 16 people). A programme leader will provide you with information. It is not a support group or counselling session, but there are opportunities for you to ask questions and problem-solve parenting issues.

You will be given brochures to take home and two free DVDs – one for yourself and one for your children. The DVDs have in-depth interviews of New Zealand parents and children who have experienced separation. The DVDs also have lots of helpful tips from a child psychologist and a counsellor.

What information is in the programme?

The programme content has been written by leading professionals who specialise in helping families when parents have separated.

The information and tips in the programme are highly rated by parents who have already attended. The content covers

* how separation affects children
* what children need during separation
* talking with children
* talking with ex-partners about arrangements for the children
* keeping children away from arguments
* how the Family Court works

Who else will be at the programme?

Some parents who attend the programme have just separated and others have been apart for longer. Parents who are just thinking about separating attend as well.

Separation has been straightforward for some parents who attend and for others, there has been disagreement or major conflict. Sometimes they have been referred to the programme by professionals, or by the Family Court. Attendance is always voluntary.

The programme is only for adults, not children.

The programme leader makes sure the programme is welcoming and relaxed. You may be able to bring along a support person, ask your programme provider when you book in.

Will my ex-partner be there?

No. It is best for both parents to attend the programme, but at different times.

The programme is designed to help you with your children, it is not a forum for mediating disagreements between parents.

Free joint-counselling can be arranged by contacting a Family Court Coordinator listed under ‘Justice Ministry – District Court’ in the Blue Pages of the phone book. Some counsellors suggest that parents should attend the Parenting through Separation programme, as well as counselling.

Let the programme provider know when you book in if you have a different family name from your ex-partner, so the provider can make sure you are not at the same session.

Who are the programme leaders?

The leaders are all experienced in working with families. Some of them are independent professionals and others work for organisations. They have all been approved by, and work under a contract to the Ministry of Justice.

How much time does the programme take?

The programme usually takes place over two sessions of about two hours.

When is the right time to go to the programme?

The earlier in your separation you can get to a programme the better for you and your children. Remember, you can go to a programme even if you are just thinking of separating.

Even where parents have been separated for some time, they have still learnt things that make a positive difference.

Will the programme give me legal advice?

No, but it will give you useful information about the Family Court, and help you understand what to expect from a family lawyer.

How do I get to a programme?

The programme is run in over 170 places around the country and in most areas there are one or two programmes running each month.

All you need to do is to ring up and book yourself in. The programme and all the resources you take home are free.

Quotes from parents who have attended Parenting through Separation:

“I thoroughly enjoyed the programme and learnt a great deal.”

“I tried to do right for my kids but I just got lost in my own stuff.”

“Looking back I wasn’t making good decisions for my kids… I needed some help.”

“I was reassured that I’m on the right track.”

“A real eye-opener, well worth the time.”

“The information was great, it helped me find the best possible solution for my children.”

“I got all the information I needed – plus more.”

“I picked up little things from other parents that helped.”

“It’s nice to be learning with others who are going through a similar experience.”

“It’s a fantastic programme.”

“It’s an excellent course, I wish I did it at the beginning of separation.”

“It is very informative as I’m going though the Family Court at the moment.”

Providers, Venues, Dates and Times

Auckland Central

Provider: Home & Family Counselling
Telephone: 09 630 8961
Email: info@homeandfamily.org.nz
Website: www.homeandfamily.org.nz
Venue: 3444 Mt Eden Road, Mt Eden

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 525 1051
Email: Ellerslie@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: 1st Floor, 1 Robert Street, Ellerslie

Provider: Chinese New Settlers Services Trust
Telephone: 09 570 1188
Email: info@cnsst.org.nz
Website: www.chineseservice.org.nz
Venue: 15-19 Clifton Court, Panmure

Provider: Triple P New Zealand
Telephone: 09 579 1794
Email: Jackie@triplep.net.nz
Venue: Triple P Centre, Level 2, 15 Sultan Street, Ellerslie
Venue: Westmere School, Cnr Larchwood & Garnet Road, Westmere

Manukau

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 263 8098
Email: Manukau@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: Unit 4C, Level 4, Manukau Shopping Centre, Cnr Great South Road & Wiri Station Road, Manukau

Provider: Triple P New Zealand
Telephone: 09 579 1794
Email: Jackie@triplep.net.nz
Venue: Manurewa Intermediate School, Russell Road, Manurewa
Venue: Willowbank School, 56 Middlefield Drive, Botany

North Shore

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 489 8349
Email: northshore@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue:

Northcote

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 489 8349
Email: northshore@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: 3A Gibbons Road, Takapuna

Provider: Triple P New Zealand
Telephone: 09 579 1794
Email: Jackie@triplep.net.nz
Venue: Oteha Valley School, 2 Medallion Drive, Oteha

Orewa

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 489 8349
Email: northshore@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: Hibiscus Coast Community House, 2 Centreway Road, Orewa
Dates: Please phone 09 489 8349 for dates of the next programme

Pukekohe

Provider: Franklin Family Support Services & Heartland Services
Telephone: 09 238 6233
Email: admin@familysupport.org.nz
Website: www.familysupport.org.nz
Venue: 2 King Street, Pukekohe

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 263 8098
Email: Manukau@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: Conference Room, Pukekohe Hospital, Cnr Kitchner &Tuakau Rds, Pukekohe
Dates: Please phone 09 263 8098 for dates of the next programme

Waitakere

Provider: LIFEWISE Family Services
Telephone: 09 818 0204
Email: GriffR@lifewise.org.nz
Venue: 298 West Coast Road, Glen Eden

Provider: Relationship Services
Telephone: 09 837 2723
Email: westauckland@relationships.org.nz
Website: www.relate.org.nz
Venue: 11 Albert Pryor Avenue, Henderson

1. The Mutual Breakup

This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have, where both of you have mutually agreed to split-up. Some say it’s impossible to walk away pain-free because you have given something up, in this case sharing your life intimately with someone, and need to grieve that loss. Yet knowing you have chosen this yourself, you can focus positively on your future making this the easiest type of breakup to get over.

2. The Circumstantial Breakup

The circumstantial breakup occurs when the environment around you won’t permit the relationship to continue. It’s basically a conflict where you have to make a choice. Maybe it’s because of timing and other commitments, or children, or interfering ex’s and other family members, or an age gap, or that one of you has picked up a bad habit, or that the relationship isn’t safe for one of you or the children involved. Whatever it is, you’ve come off second best to a circumstance and so it’s going to hurt.


3. The Ultimatum Breakup

An ultimatum is basically a conflict and having to make a choice where someone says, “Do this or else the relationship is over”. I’ve seen a few breakups over children where a new partner has stated, “It’s me or them”. I’ve seen parents choose their partner and kick the child out, and parents who say the children come first no matter what. This breakup is painful and can be tough to get over because it’s annoying that a little compromise could have prevented it. Yet once it’s over, that pressure from the stalemate you reached in the relationship is gone, so it becomes a relief.

4. The Something Someone Said Breakup.

This is when you or them discover you, as in two, are not compatible. It’s also considered to be annoying more than anything else because compromise can go a long way to making the relationship work. However, it’s also a blessing because it means you’ve discovered the relationships isn’t going to be beneficial for either of you ‘right now’ and you’re getting out before the cost goes higher.

How awful it would be if it was a misunderstanding. A tip for this is to realise the other person ‘loves conditionally’ depending on what they want. You’re better than that and deserve better.

5. The Cheating Breakup

Cheating is a hard one to deal with. When researched, a high percentage of men and women said they would forgive their partner if they cheated. Yet I think that’s only if the cheating partner came clean, asked for forgiveness and cut ties with the one they were cheating with. This is painful for they’ve abused your trust and hurt you deeply. It’s understandable you’re angry at the betrayal and sad they didn’t love you enough to be faithful. Yet with cheating, there’s going to be a next and a next so it’s good to realise you’re stopping further pain.

6. The First Love Breakup

The First Love breakup is one of the toughest to overcome and some say you never get over it. It hurts so much because you’ve never experienced this feeling of loss and disappointment before. It’s important to recognise that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future for even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

7. The Blind Side

This is traumatic because it comes out of nowhere. The blind sider may have been thinking about it for months, and they conceal their intentions, then drop the bomb while everything seems to be going well. It’s so unexpected and chips away at your ability to trust. If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going so well, you’ll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners. The blind side breakup is considered to take the longest time to heal because it’s difficult to understand, especially when they just up and leave without any explanation.

Along with 7 types of breakups, there are 7 stages dealing with the pain (grief).

• Shock & Denial

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

• Pain & Guilt

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

• Anger & Bargaining

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out on someone else especially your ex. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationship with the other parent may result. This is a time to turn to others who will listen and empathise with you.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him/her back”)

• Depression”, Reflection, Lonliness

Just when your family and/or friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders.

During this time, you finally realise the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

• The Upward Turn

As you start to adjust to life without your ex partner, your life becomes a little calmer and more organised. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

• Reconstruction & Working Through

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your ex. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

• Acceptance & Hope

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your relationship without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

……………….

There are many sites online that can give you good tips for getting over a breakup. At the bottom of this page I’ve listed a few. One of the things recommended is to reach out to others who can understand, empathise and support. If this is something you’re interested in, check out the ‘support groups – areas’ page and drop down menu at the top of this site. (left-hand corner).

Link one

Link two

Link three

Question: Can I Find Hope When I Feel Like a “Lonely Single Parent?”

I hate to sound like a “lonely single parent,” but it’s such a challenge to meet new people when I barely have time for myself as it is. What can I do? Should I resign myself to feeling lonely until my kids are older?

Answer: It’s not uncommon to feel lonely as a single parent. After all, so much of your time and energy are emptied out in caring for your children and providing for your kids’ needs, that it’s easy for your responsibilities to overshadow a potential social life. However, with some effort, you can overcome feeling like a “lonely single parent” and create the kind of social life you long for. Begin by asking yourself the following questions and choosing one or two of the suggested activities below:

1.  What would I really like my social life to look like?

Spend some time envisioning what it would be like to have a fulfilling, active social life. Who would you be spending your time with? How would your children fit into this scenario? Sometimes just getting clear about your ultimate goals can help you find ways to make those dreams a reality.

2. What is standing in my way?

What’s the biggest obstacle right now to your having a lively, engaging social life? Is it time? Is it a lack of opportunity? Could it also be connected to your feelings about yourself? Getting clear about the obstacles you face, or even the walls you may inadvertently put up, can help you overcome them.

3. Does the effort I’m making to meet new people match my desire for an active, enjoyable social life?

If it doesn’t, step up the effort you’re making. In this way, you can work to overcome feeling like a “lonely single parent” by changing the effort you’re making. Try:

To read more click on read more underneath this sentence.

• Attending a book discussion at your local bookstore or library.

• Taking a class in a topic that interests you.

• Getting together with some old friends you haven’t seen for awhile. Chances are, they will introduce you to some of their new friends!

• Hosting an informal neighborhood gathering or potluck dinner. It will give you a chance to meet some people you haven’t met before.

4.  Are my own expectations making me feel lonely?

For example, if you believe you “should” be in a romantic relationship, you’re probably setting yourself up to feel badly about not being in one. (In addition, this kind of self-pressure leaves you vulnerable to making poor decisions in relation to who you choose to date.) To move beyond these kinds to self-imposed limitations, focus on building friendships, not just romantic relationships. Try:

• Joining a single parent group

• Coming along to events, and meet other people

• Hosting an event where new friends can come over to your house

Jump-starting your social life isn’t easy. It definitely requires some intentional steps and a lot of effort. However, it is worth the energy it will cost you to build meaningful friendships into your life and move beyond the uncomfortable “lonely single parent” feeling you described.

Support and Encouragement for Single Parents

Survive the First Year

Self Care Tips for Single Parents

Quiz: Are You Taking Good Care of Yourself?
Avoid Single Parent Burnout
Carving Out “Me Time”

I can’t rule out the possibility single parents will meet other single parents and (so call) “hook up” through our group, and we do from time to time have speakers contact us looking for an audience to do workshops on ‘dating again’ and ‘re-entering serious relationships’ since many of us have been out of the (so call) game for a while. It looks like it will be a good idea to take them up on the offer and add them to our events newsletter in the future. After all, life isn’t over just because we’re a single parent.

……………….

Online dating is popular with single parents. From our own home we have access to millions of people around the world looking to hook up with others as friends, lovers, one night stands and long lasting mates. Of course it’s not for everyone but if you’re interested in taking the leap to give it a chance, here’s 10 tips to help you.

Choose the right kind of online dating service to reach your goal.

There are 5 different kinds of online dating services for you to choose from.

1. General online dating services – where you make a profile and look at other people’s profile while they are looking at yours. This kind is known as making a connection online first that may develop into relationships.
2. Relationship services – where you are matched with others who are considered to be compatible with you. This kind is known to be used for the more serious type of relationships.
3. Social network services – where you interact with others and make friendships.
4. Niche dating sites – where people come together through a common interest. These are good if you want a specific thing from the person you meet. It could be a dating site based on religion, special interests, hobbies, wants from each other, etc.
5. Merging online services – where you meet people on the street and give them an invitation to your profile. One popular way is to hand out cards with your details.

Once you choose the type of online dating site that best suits your goals, you then need to choose an individual one. It would be a good idea to research their reputation either through word of mouth or google what other people are saying.

Follow online safety tips

It’s important to keep yourself safe from the moment you sign up all the way to finding that special someone and no longer needing the service. I want this to come through loud and clear because I’m seeing mums give out their addresses on the first contact. I understand the need to take a risk but at the same time although predators and badly damaged men and women are the exception, they do exist and it’s not something you should leave to chance. A single mother with children in a home is an easy target while a single father can easily offend women who won’t take ‘No!’ for an answer. It’s not just your safety you risk but your children’s, your home and your belongings. Straight up, strangers shouldn’t be coming to your home!

Keeping it simple, here’s the important safety tips: Never give out too much personal information, never give out your home phone number and address, always meet at a public place, ask for up to date photos or ask how long ago the photo was taken and trust you gut instincts. For more information check out this article.

Build a winning profile

It’s important to make sure that your profile is lively, fun, and positive and that you avoid negatives (I’m lonely, I can’t believe I’m doing this) at all costs. Check out other profiles and determine what about it makes you more interested or less interested to get an idea of what you can write. If a person finds your profile interesting then you have increased your chances of someone showing interest in you. Make yours interesting! For more information on writing a winning profile.

Post great recent photos.

The first thing that grabs a person’s attention, when searching through profiles is the photo. This is the single most important element to getting people to view that great profile you’ve written. A photo also says a lot about you as a person so dress nice, be clean cut, fun and lively. If you look approachable, you’ll be approached.

I’ve heard men comment that too much make-up shows women to be covering up something while expensive jewellery and shoes shows women to be expensive. I’ve also heard women like to approach men’s profiles when they’re holding an animal or doing an activity. They say it provides them with a great ice breaker and talking point. For more tips on creating a better online dating photo.

Learn effective communication techniques.

Your first contact to someone you’re interested in is the most important one you’ll ever write because it will help determine whether or not they write back. Personalise your introductory email and spend more time asking questions (based on their profile) than providing information about yourself. Giving a compliment is a good idea like “I love your smile” or “your profile is one of the best I’ve read”. For more tips on good communication techniques.

Always be respectful of others.

Being respectful shows character. Be polite to others including letting someone know you don’t want to communicate any more in a nice way rather than just ignoring them. Some sites show how many contacts you’ve replied to so others get to know your reputation.

Avoid white lies.

In the online dating world, white lies include: posting a photo more than nine months old; lying about your age; lying about your income; lying about your job. Since you’re looking for your soul mate, at some point in the dating relationship, those lies will come back to haunt you. Always be honest and truthful in everything you say and post. By always telling the truth, you’ll never have to remember what you said!

Learn how to better identify and avoid married people.

Nearly 25% of people who participate in online dating are married and looking for a way to cheat or see what they “missed out” on. They are a menace to people seeking true relationships but you can pick them out by their actions. They will be extremely secretive and irregular in their communication with you. When you reach the point of talking on the phone, you’ll get their cell phone answering machine a lot and calls will be returned on an irregular basis. Generally they won’t post a picture or will post one that is dark/grainy. After all, the last thing they want is a friend or family member to come across their profile! Avoid married people at all costs.

Make the first date memorable.

Your date is going to shape the other person’s opinion more than anything else to date so it’s important that you make a great first impression. Probably the best tip is to be confident on your date because confidence is one of the biggest attractions you can posses. For more information read 10 Tips to Getting a Second Date, 10 Important Dating Tips for Men and First Date Do’s and Don’ts.

Avoid becoming a professional online dater

A professional online dater is someone who is on several dating services, is going out on several dates regularly, and always thinking “the next one may be better”. When you become a professional online dater, you’re not able to be in a serious relationship for as soon as something comes up you need to deal with, you’ll cut off communication and spend time with another person.

It’s also unfair for others online. They are investing their time into finding someone special while you’re abusing their trust. For more on avoiding becoming a professional online dater.

……………

I learnt a lot myself while writing this and hope you have too. By following these tips, you’ll increase your chances of finding that special someone and eventually becoming one of the tens of thousands of people that marry a year because they met their “soul mate” online.

The ideal situation for single parents would be for both parents to own their own home so they both have security and stability for themselves and their children and there are opportunities out there to make this a reality.

But let’s first start with what’s available for single parents and their families who are in need of housing.

There is government housing available through ‘Housing New Zealand Corporation‘. These are houses the state owns or rents from the public. Presently there is a new campaign at work to attract home owners to lease their properties to the state so the state can lease them to those in need. Also, there is talk, that means gossip until it comes from a credible source, that there is something in the plans to build for single parents.

How much rent do you pay?

This is worked out on your after tax: benefit, wages, salary, family support and boarders.

Up to $489.42 (after tax & includes everything above), you pay 25% of this amount. Anything after this, you pay 50% of the extra amount. The most you can pay is market value and the least you can pay is $47 per week.

How to apply.

1. You need to be eligible and this means being a NZ resident or permanent resident for more than 2 years, having assets under $23,000 (this does not include a first car) and earn less than $734.13 (after tax) per week.
2. If eligible, you need to make an appointment at your nearest neighbourhood unit. At the interview, you will be asked about your situation and your housing needs to determine what category you will be placed in on the waiting list.
3. How the waiting list works: The list is divided into four groups. ‘A’ and ‘B’ applicants have a chance for housing while ‘C’ and ‘D’ applicants wont get a house.

Above is the criteria used to assess your need. Any of these areas that affect you need to be shared with Housing Corp as it’s important to put forward all that you can think of. . For example:

Affordability:  Could be that your financial outgoings are greater than your income.

Adequacy: Could be that the house you live in has mould in the winter months and this causes your child to be sick, because he/she has asthma or that there is no fencing and you’re on a busy road with a child who’s Autistic. Maybe the house you live in isn’t structurally safe. Here is the waiting list for the Auckland area. Check out which areas are popular and which are not.

Buying your own home.

The government has introduced a scheme called ‘Welcome Home Loan’. It basically means the government will go guarantor to your loan. Even better, you can borrow up to $200,000 without a deposit and up to $350,000 with a 15% deposit on the extra money above $200,000. The criteria is that you must earn under $85,000 per year.

One of the things becoming popular amongst single parents is buying a house together. Mothers with older children are buying WITH their children, while brothers and sisters and other family members are buying WITH each other and good friends or a group of good friends are doing the same.

There is a free course called ‘Welcome Home First Steps’ that educates and outlines everything you need to know about buying your first home. Here is a list of workshops happening around the country. You can also do the course online.

Here’s a small booklet from NZ Housing Corporation about buying your own home.

As always, I hope this is helpful.

OK, so let’s get on with it.

ELIGIBILITY – You may receive the Domestic Purposes Benefit (DPB) if you: * are the parent of a child under 18 who is dependent on you (at least 60% of the time)* are not in a relationship with the other parent * do not have a partner or you have lost the support of your partner * are 18 or over (or 16-17 if you were legally married or in a civil union). You must also: * be a New Zealand citizen or permanent resident * have lived in New Zealand for at least 2 years at any one time since becoming a New Zealand citizen or resident (unless you are a refugee). You may also be able to get the DPB if you are caring for a child who is not your own.

A Single parent is given $278.04 net weekly. That’s $322.98 less tax of $44.94. This is the starting point and from here things are added on.

1. If you have dependent children aged 18 years or younger you can get family tax credit. Here’s how it works:
   If your oldest child is ….Your weekly payment will be
   aged 16, 17 or 18 years……..$99.96
   aged 15 years or younger……$86.29
   For each other child who is….Your weekly payment will be
   aged 16, 17 or 18 years…….. $89.44
   ages 13, 14 or 15 years……..$68.40
   aged 12 years or younger …..$59.98




2. You may be able to get the Accommodation Supplement. To qualify for this, your rent or 62% of your boarding costs must be over $91.00 p.w or if you own your own home, $109.00 p.w; and your cash assets must be under $16,200. Cash assets are anything you own, such as investment property, Bonus Bonds, savings, shares, stocks, debentures and loans to others,  but don’t include your assets for day to day living such as the home you live in, personal car and furniture (because you get a benefit your income will be under the income limit).  You won’t qualify if you have a tenancy agreement with Housing New Zealand – you’ll qualify for income-related rent instead. For more details about income-related rent contact your local Housing New Zealand neighbourhood unit.
   If you are a low income ratepayer you may qualify for a rates rebate of up to $500 under the Rates Rebate Scheme. For more details about the Rates Rebate Scheme contact your local council.

   Accommodation Supplement calculator (Working for Families website)
   Work out how much Accommodation Supplement you may be entitled to (above).  There is also Temporary Additional Support to help with Accommodation costs, if your financial outgoings are more than your income.  This will be calculated through WINZ.
   

   

3. You may be able to get help with health costs through the Disability Allowance if you or your child have a disability that is likely to last at least 6 months. These are costs related to health like; going to the doctor, specialists, medicine, phone, electricity, extra clothing, special food, and travel, … for things like asthma, depression, anxiety, physical pain, intellectual disability, etc,.  This is paid dollar for dollar up to $56.98 per family member and extra cost may receive Temporary Additional Support.
   
4. 
   Another thing you may be eligible for is  Child Disability Allowance.  It is not taxed and doesn’t depend on your income or costs. The child must be aged under 18 years, and need constant care and attention for at least 12 months because of their disability. On the DPB, you can receive both the Child Disability Allowance and the Disability Allowance for the same child. This is for children who have asthma (up to 5 years old and maybe older depending on severity), ADHD, Autism, as well as other physical and intellectual disabilities. It is paid fortnightly at $42.96 per week.
   



5. You may also get Childcare Subsidy for your children to attend a childcare centre.  What you are subsidised depends on what you earn but when on the DPB, it’s set @ $3.70 an hour. Anything extra – you need to pay.  The child must be: *under five years old (or under six years if you get a Child Disability Allowance for them) and *attending an early childhood programme for three or more hours a week. A Childcare Subsidy is  normally paid up to nine hours of childcare a week  but in some situations you may be able to get up to 50 hours a week if you are working, on an approved training course or ill. The payment is made directly to the early childhood centre. If you are claiming 20 hours Early Childhood Education you can’t get Childcare Subsidy for those hours.The OSCAR Subsidy (Out of School Care and Recreational Subsidy) is for children aged 5-13 years. It helps towards the costs of before and after school care (up to 20 hours a week) and care during the school holidays (up to 50 hours a week). To get this subsidy you must be working, training or doing a work-related activity. The payment is made directly to the OSCAR service and your child has to attend an OSCAR service at least three hours a week. This is also paid @ $3.70 an hour.
   
6. You can also apply for Training Incentive Allowance that covers the cost of course fees, stationary and travel costs. This assistance is to help you obtain a job but it doesn’t cover high levels of education and you won’t be accepted if you are able to get a job on the qualification you already have. There is quite a bit of consideration taken into account that you need to be aware of. You may be entitled up to $98.45 weekly or $3,938.00 over a 52 week period.



7. You also get a Community Services Card while on a benefit that can help with the costs of visiting your doctor and getting prescriptions. It is a family card so you can use it for dependent children aged under 18 years.You may also qualify for the Pharmaceutical Subsidy Card if you or your children need a lot of prescriptions each year. To find out more about this card, talk to your pharmacist.If you don’t qualify for the Community Services Card you may be able to get the High Use Health Card if you visit the doctor often for an on-going medical condition. Ask your doctor about this card.



8. You may also get Home Help – if you’ve had a multiple birth, have a domestic emergency, or need domestic help with things like laundry, housework, cooking or childcare. You get $13.42 (without holiday pay) and $14.49 (with holiday pay) to help towards the cost of home help. Under circumstances this can also apply for other domestic needs.
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9. You may also be eligible for Temporary Additional Support. This is extra money paid to you for things like hire purchases for a car and household appliances if your financial outgoings are more than your income. In other words it is mean tested every 13 weeks to see if your circumstances have changed.
   
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10. When you have costs that are unexpected you can apply for Special Needs Grant. Maybe you’ve had to pay for work on your car to get a warrant or need dental work for you or your children. WINZ will pay $300 a year for each member of the family towards dental. This is non-recoverable so you don’t pay it back. When emergency costs occur, you can also get food grants that are non-recoverable. This is set at $450 1 or 2 children and $550 for 3 or more children over a 26 week period. For instance, say you ask for $100 in January, $150 in March, $100 in May, $100 in July as a parent with 1 dependant child. The $100 you used in January will become available again 26 weeks after the date you used it. The payments in March, May and July will also become available 26 weeks after the date you used them. There are also other things you can claim that are non-recoverable and recoverable.
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11. Available also are advances on benefits. You can borrow up to 6 weeks of your benefit and pay this back at a rate that you discuss with your case manager. You may need a bond for rental, are behind in rent from using the money elsewhere, didn’t budget for electricity increase and have a disconnection notice, need assistance for school uniforms and books, bedding, household items, work on you car, have extra medical bills, dental work is over $300 a year and so on and don’t have the money available.  You can’t borrow this money if your cash assets are over $1,617.73 and need to show you don’t have other means of paying. Interest is not added. Here is a list of what you can claim and the general limits for items. WINZ case officers use their discretion if you need more than general limits, so it’s best to ask personally rather than consider the list final.

For more information on how benefit entitlements work, check Manuals and Procedures
.

Here’s an interesting one. International Custody Dispute Payments are weekly payments paid to a parent who has an International dispute over child custody going on and isn’t eligible for the DPB.

To learn about other interesting entitlements available see below.

I thought I would share a few comments made about shared parenting. The first one is from a father with a good plan.

You don’t want the system to do its style of fair. You are there to do what’s best for you and your child(ren), keeping in mind that parenting separately means that mother/father can’t have 100%, but that they can split it. Alternating weekends is always great, and fitting in a couple days for school is that much better. If you both live in the same county alternating a full week (7 days), rotating a 4/3 or doing 3-days per week with 2 weekends per month is a good split (or what they call 50/50 timeshare). If you can’t swing that much time, still alternate weekends but also try to fit in a weekday or two. And if your job gives you a good amount of vacation time, like four weeks, give two or three of them to your child. But make sure that you have it how you want it in black and white, allowing for some gray areas too. Good Luck.
—Guest Jonathan

The second found a way to work things out even though she’s not real happy with her ex.

My daughter visits her father every other weekend, but my biggest challenge is that she doesn’t go until 8pm on Friday (supposedly when he gets off of work even though his hours have been cut). This time wasn’t set for earlier because he “assured” the judge that he had to work late & had no one to pick her up before 8pm (although he always manages to get a sitter for her when he wants to go somewhere during his weekend!). I felt this was unfair to me because in the event that I wanted to go out of town on my free weekend, I would either have to travel late at night on a Friday or leave early Saturday morning–returning by 8pm on Sunday! I also have issues with the Sunday 8pm return time since school has started and her bedtime is 9pm. He’s neither a reasonable nor considerate person to deal with when discussing issues! Therefore, I now have a relative take her to meet him on Friday if needed & I allow her to stay up a little later on Sunday nights-she loves this and it works for now.
—TDoubleU

Here’s 2 that still need to work things out.

My daughter is 8 weeks old her mother is over protective and selfish. We were never married and do not have a court order in place. I want to have my daughter visit, but I run into the same story – “I’m nursing and she can’t be without me.” I have purchased a pump, plus she had one already – yet refuses to use it because she knows there will be no more excuses she can use. Yesterday, she had a doctor’s appointment and stated that she was considering getting her tubes tied or a hysterectomy done, so I mentioned if she included me in her plans to watch the baby and she said that because I had to work, that her aunt and cousin would be there for that. I was floored … I am responsible for my daughter, not the aunt or cousin. So today I’m moving in the direction of visitations and joint custody for our daughter.
—Guest MADavis

…………………

I have an eight year old daughter. Her father takes her 158 miles away from home anytime he wants to. Also, when he leaves with her, he will not tell me where he is staying with her, and I cannot talk to her until he allows me to (and sometimes not at all). We have a visitation plan signed by us and the court, but he will not follow it. He also visits with her on my days.
—downy123

From my experience, it’s not that easy to make things work when you’ve separated, and I’d find it hard to believe any parent who said it all fell into place with little problem. I think one thing all single parents whether in equal parenting, shared parenting or a sole parent need to have confirmed now and then is, “YES! YOU’RE NORMAL!”

It’s work to make things work and I think every parent does want what’s best for their children. Sometimes having the other parent in a child’s life is too dangerous while other times it’s a matter of working it out. I hope you take a moment to read the links provided for information and make a comment about your own experiences.

Question:

Théun, I am battling with the hurt I am experiencing as a result of my divorce. This hurt mostly comes from us starting to argue about how we should be splitting up our joint assets, and it is this that hurts me, mostly because I keep on wondering if our marriage meant nothing more than the acquisition of material things. How does one resolve hurt, Théun?

Théun’s Guidance:
My lovely Easterly friend, you are talking and thinking yourself round in circles! You are trying to RESOLVE the hurt instead of STAYING WITH the hurt, allowing it to guide you to a deeper understanding of yourself whereupon it will automatically DISSIPATE, having served its purpose! This is the TRUE meaning of the term “resolve,” that is, the intent to learn! But when it comes to intent, to resolving, the mind is a little less than useless!

The only REAL hurt there is, is when we are brought face to face with our INABILITY to MEET another unit of life with whom we have come very close in being able to truly meet! It is not the money, the houses, the furniture, the kitchens, the children, the dogs and parrots, but that indefinable some-thing else, loosely termed, love! In other words, whilst the mind occupies itself with material things such as houses, earnings, etc., it is the HEART that feels the wrench in the parting of ways, and the subsequent pain of loss – the deep sadness that comes from knowing that we were given a chance, but that somehow we screwed up! Sure it takes two to tango, and therefore it also takes two to screw up, but where there is a genuine openness of heart, or even just the BEGINNINGS of an opening of the heart, the sense of loss is always devastating in that one can always see one’s own role so clearly!

Within the heart there is no blame, no justifications, and if one knows that one has given that relationship one’s ALL, yet still failed, there are no regrets, no remorse, even though the pain of loss STILL cuts to the very core of one’s beingness! Why? Because deep down inside we all KNOW what the purpose of the spirit is, for it pulses through our beingness as surely as does our blood, the life essence! What is that purpose? At-one-ness, inclusiveness! And when we fail in doing OUR part in SUPPORTING that purpose, for whatever reason, our hearts cannot lie by pretending that all is fine, all is okay, but instead speaks the truth, and the truth is always sobering, and often hurts like all hell!

So, rather than getting yourself LOST in the petty world of an overactive and domineering mind, elevate your mind to its RIGHT-FULL place in helping you to think CLEARLY about how BEST you can play YOUR part in supporting the purpose of the spirit, for only in THIS way do you stand any chance at all in fighting your battles concerning relationships IMPECCABLY! These relationships include also your relationship with your business, with crystallized power, and above all, your relationship with THE male, namely, the spirit! Is it a battle we can ever win in the true sense of the word? Not really! The only thing that you and I CAN do is to fight an IMPECCABLE battle towards achieving at-one-ness, inclusiveness, you as a female, I as a male! And hopefully, by co-operating intelligently, we will BOTH gain a better under-standing of how to fight this battle, until one day we wake up from the madness of the dream, the madness being the ILLUSION of SEPARATIVENESS, to KNOW that we do not have to WIN the spirit’s love for us, for we ARE the spirit, irrespective of gender!

The stereotype of a single parent is a Maori sole mother under 20 on Domestic Purposes Benefit with kids to different fathers and lazy to boot.

Sole parents are often identified as an economic and social “problem” in political debate and by the media. But these stereotypes themselves affect social attitudes and undermine the mental and emotional well-being of sole parents and their families.

Demographers suggest that single parent families are an inevitable reflection of an
increasingly complex and diverse society. Greater sexual liberalisation has meant that today less than 50 per cent of the adult population is married and 20 per cent choose to cohabit.

And while marriage rates have declined, divorce rates have increased. Only 3 per cent of sole mothers are under 20 and almost 60 per cent are Pakeha. Statistics New Zealand figures project single parent families to increase from 31 to 38 per cent of all families with dependent children, between 2001 and 2021.

The child poverty rate in New Zealand, at 16.3 per cent, is high by OECD standards, but for children in single parent households this figure increases to 47 per cent.

The DPB provides single mothers and their children with a below subsistence level income. In 2004, 60 per cent of single parent families in New Zealand were considered to have low living standards.

Unsurprising if we consider that half of all single parent families rely on the DPB as their only source of income, and that the level of this income is set below the income poverty threshold.

To read more click READ MORE under this sentence

Therefore for single mothers, neither benefits nor low wage work necessarily provide enough income to cover basic expenses or to raise their families out of poverty. Mothers on the DPB are seen as “problematic”, for their lack of paid work. Paid work is identified as the key element of “good” citizenship and therefore the policy objective.

This argument ignores research that indicates there are barriers to single mothers entering and sustaining paid work, including suitable job availability, low skills and qualifications, limited work experience, health issues and the access and affordability of good childcare.

Single parents are also “time-poor” as they juggle multiple household roles. They are therefore more likely to find part-time work that is low status, poorly paid and lacking employment benefits or job security.

My research was based on interviews with women who were typical single mothers on the DPB (aged between 30 and 50, post separation or divorce). Almost half reported suffering symptoms of poor mental and physical health as a consequence of stress relating to single mothering on the DPB.

They reported feelings of inadequacy, stigma, failure and low self-esteem as a result of the way they are depicted as “bludgers and second-class citizens”. They said that negative social attitudes impacted on the willingness of family, friends and institutions such as Winz to provide material and emotional support.

These single mothers also resisted negative representations. They argued that mothering was the most important job in the world and their children were better adjusted and equipped because of their conscientious and devoted parenting. They also argued that receiving the DPB was the only reasonable way of balancing a single parenting workload with personal well-being.

Combining parenting and paid work was extremely difficult and exhausting.

International research suggests that an increased number of single mothers are declaring their independence of men and coupled relationships and claiming a legitimate space to live and parent alone.

Some scholars argue that policy discussions that overlook the value of independence, control over decision-making and peace of mind for women, particularly those who have been in abusive relationships, risk compromising these important values. Others argue that single mothers are modern society’s “miner’s canary”. They say that “people who are denigrated and marginalised are more sensitive to dangers in the environment that have the potential to hurt us all”. Therefore the health of single parent families is one way to gauge the well-being of families generally and of society.

Single mothers are expected to “do it all”. They are expected to engage in full-time work, to sustain independent households and to raise healthy, well-balanced children. These expectations may be unrealistic.

Single mothers play important roles in raising healthy, balanced children in an increasingly fractured society and provide strong and independent female role models for the 21st century. Policy-makers in this rapidly diversifying social context have an obligation to ensure that the needs and values of single mothers are understood and accurately represented.

About the Arthur

Christine Todd, a post-graduate researcher at the University of Auckland, has studied the way sole mothers on the DPB handle negative representations of their position in society.

New Zealand Herald Thursday August 14, 2008

To read more click READ MORE under this sentence

MP Paua Bennett

Long-term unemployed and solo mothers receiving a benefit were put on warning today by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett that they will have to find work – once the recession is over.

Following a week of controversy after Ms Bennett released the income details of two solo mothers, Natasha Fuller and Jennifer Johnston, who criticised cuts to the Training Incentive Allowance (TIA), she has remained staunch in her position.

Ms Bennett said the women could continue with their tertiary study without the TIA.

“I can certainly say from experience that it’s going to be hard work,” she told TVNZ’s Q+A this morning.

While she supports women who chose to stay at home with their young children, Ms Bennett believes women should be working at least 15 hours once their children are at school.

Ms Bennett said parents on the Dependent Persons Benefit (DPB) should work 15 hours a week once their youngest child is six.

“I mean I’d actually like to see, since we’ve got 20 hours (free early childhood education) there as well, that we have those sorts of training opportunities for women to be (at) while their children are having that 20 hours of early childhood education.

“That we get them skilled up, so that by the time they get to that youngest being six-years-old they can get that sort of part-time work that hopefully fits in with the hours that the kids are there.”

Ms Bennett, who famously put herself through university while a single mother on the DPB, said she was a “better mum” when she was working.

“It suited me. I actually needed the adult stimulation and my brain to be ticking over.”

To read more click READ MORE under this sentence

As for cutting the TIA, Ms Bennett said parents on the benefit could get a student loan for tertiary study like any other potential student.

The TIA was still available for those wanting to study at levels 1,2 and 3. The policy of having mothers work 15 hours a week had been put on hold due to the recession but was likely to be introduced in “about a year”.

There needed to be more jobs first so people could find jobs that suited them, Ms Bennett said.

Another policy placed on hold by the recession was forcing long-term unemployed (those with more than one year on the dole) to find work.

People would take a work test and face their benefit being cut if they did not accept a job.

“That’ll be in place before the next election,” Ms Bennett said.

Economic circumstance meant the Government had “softened” because there were now 34,000 new people on the unemployment benefit, she said.

“Our focus has got a lot broader and the country expects us to be actually concentrating on them and their skills and their jobs as well, and that’s what we’re doing.”

Ms Bennett revealed that Natasha Fuller was receiving $715 a week and Jennifer Johnston $554 a week.

Both solo mothers had complained about the Government’s decision to scrap the training incentive allowance and said without it they would not be able to continue courses which would help them get jobs.

A complaint was laid with Privacy Commissioner Marie Shroff over the release of the information.

NZPA – 3 News, 02 Aug 2009