NZ Single Parents Trust

Question: Can I Find Hope When I Feel Like a “Lonely Single Parent?”

I hate to sound like a “lonely single parent,” but it’s such a challenge to meet new people when I barely have time for myself as it is. What can I do? Should I resign myself to feeling lonely until my kids are older?

Answer: It’s not uncommon to feel lonely as a single parent. After all, so much of your time and energy are emptied out in caring for your children and providing for your kids’ needs, that it’s easy for your responsibilities to overshadow a potential social life. However, with some effort, you can overcome feeling like a “lonely single parent” and create the kind of social life you long for. Begin by asking yourself the following questions and choosing one or two of the suggested activities below:

1.  What would I really like my social life to look like?

Spend some time envisioning what it would be like to have a fulfilling, active social life. Who would you be spending your time with? How would your children fit into this scenario? Sometimes just getting clear about your ultimate goals can help you find ways to make those dreams a reality.

2. What is standing in my way?

What’s the biggest obstacle right now to your having a lively, engaging social life? Is it time? Is it a lack of opportunity? Could it also be connected to your feelings about yourself? Getting clear about the obstacles you face, or even the walls you may inadvertently put up, can help you overcome them.

3. Does the effort I’m making to meet new people match my desire for an active, enjoyable social life?

If it doesn’t, step up the effort you’re making. In this way, you can work to overcome feeling like a “lonely single parent” by changing the effort you’re making. Try:

To read more click on read more underneath this sentence.

Read more…

Julie Separation, Support

Question:

Théun, I am battling with the hurt I am experiencing as a result of my divorce. This hurt mostly comes from us starting to argue about how we should be splitting up our joint assets, and it is this that hurts me, mostly because I keep on wondering if our marriage meant nothing more than the acquisition of material things. How does one resolve hurt, Théun?

Théun’s Guidance:
My lovely Easterly friend, you are talking and thinking yourself round in circles! You are trying to RESOLVE the hurt instead of STAYING WITH the hurt, allowing it to guide you to a deeper understanding of yourself whereupon it will automatically DISSIPATE, having served its purpose! This is the TRUE meaning of the term “resolve,” that is, the intent to learn! But when it comes to intent, to resolving, the mind is a little less than useless!

The only REAL hurt there is, is when we are brought face to face with our INABILITY to MEET another unit of life with whom we have come very close in being able to truly meet! It is not the money, the houses, the furniture, the kitchens, the children, the dogs and parrots, but that indefinable some-thing else, loosely termed, love! In other words, whilst the mind occupies itself with material things such as houses, earnings, etc., it is the HEART that feels the wrench in the parting of ways, and the subsequent pain of loss – the deep sadness that comes from knowing that we were given a chance, but that somehow we screwed up! Sure it takes two to tango, and therefore it also takes two to screw up, but where there is a genuine openness of heart, or even just the BEGINNINGS of an opening of the heart, the sense of loss is always devastating in that one can always see one’s own role so clearly!
Read more…

Julie Separation

The stereotype of a single parent is a Maori sole mother under 20 on Domestic Purposes Benefit with kids to different fathers and lazy to boot.

Sole parents are often identified as an economic and social “problem” in political debate and by the media. But these stereotypes themselves affect social attitudes and undermine the mental and emotional well-being of sole parents and their families.

Demographers suggest that single parent families are an inevitable reflection of an
increasingly complex and diverse society. Greater sexual liberalisation has meant that today less than 50 per cent of the adult population is married and 20 per cent choose to cohabit.

And while marriage rates have declined, divorce rates have increased. Only 3 per cent of sole mothers are under 20 and almost 60 per cent are Pakeha. Statistics New Zealand figures project single parent families to increase from 31 to 38 per cent of all families with dependent children, between 2001 and 2021.

The child poverty rate in New Zealand, at 16.3 per cent, is high by OECD standards, but for children in single parent households this figure increases to 47 per cent.

The DPB provides single mothers and their children with a below subsistence level income. In 2004, 60 per cent of single parent families in New Zealand were considered to have low living standards.

Unsurprising if we consider that half of all single parent families rely on the DPB as their only source of income, and that the level of this income is set below the income poverty threshold.

To read more click READ MORE under this sentence
Read more…

Julie News, Research, Separation

MP Paua Bennett

Long-term unemployed and solo mothers receiving a benefit were put on warning today by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett that they will have to find work – once the recession is over.

Following a week of controversy after Ms Bennett released the income details of two solo mothers, Natasha Fuller and Jennifer Johnston, who criticised cuts to the Training Incentive Allowance (TIA), she has remained staunch in her position.

Ms Bennett said the women could continue with their tertiary study without the TIA.

“I can certainly say from experience that it’s going to be hard work,” she told TVNZ’s Q+A this morning.

While she supports women who chose to stay at home with their young children, Ms Bennett believes women should be working at least 15 hours once their children are at school.

Ms Bennett said parents on the Dependent Persons Benefit (DPB) should work 15 hours a week once their youngest child is six.

“I mean I’d actually like to see, since we’ve got 20 hours (free early childhood education) there as well, that we have those sorts of training opportunities for women to be (at) while their children are having that 20 hours of early childhood education.

“That we get them skilled up, so that by the time they get to that youngest being six-years-old they can get that sort of part-time work that hopefully fits in with the hours that the kids are there.”

Ms Bennett, who famously put herself through university while a single mother on the DPB, said she was a “better mum” when she was working.

“It suited me. I actually needed the adult stimulation and my brain to be ticking over.”

To read more click READ MORE under this sentence
Read more…

Julie News, Research, Separation, Study Assistance

If you feel anxious about not being in a relationship, it may be time to adopt a whole new attitude toward single parent dating. Consider how these small changes could alter your perspective and help you enjoy the full, rich life you deserve.

1. Focus on expanding your social circle instead of “finding a mate.”

Change your definition of what it means to have an active social life. When you focus on finding “the one,” you’re bound to put a lot of pressure on yourself. This can have two negative effects: First, it can cause you to make poor decisions; and, second, it can lead to unnecessary disappointment with an otherwise fulfilling life.

When you place your attention on expanding your social circle, though, you free yourself from that pressure. This enables you to focus on friendships and being with people who lift you up and bring joy to your life.

2. Make your social life part of your self-care plan.

To say you are “extremely busy” working and raising your children is an understatement. In fact, you may even feel like you just don’t have time to date. If that’s the case, I’d encourage you to think of socialising as part of taking care of yourself. You deserve to get out now and then. Spending some time away from your home and work responsibilities can be a refreshing part of honouring who you are and getting to know yourself again. Rather than feeling guilty about social engagements, view them as a part of your personal self-care plan.

To read more click on read more underneath this sentence.
Read more…

Julie Separation, Support

Every day children are torn as their parents split up. New initiatives to involve them in relationship counselling could begin to ease that pain.

Jill Goldson, an Auckland Family Court counsellor who was involving children in separation counselling for a research project funded by the NZ Families Commission, has spoken out about the problems children are facing through separation. Goldson’s research involved 26 children and 34 adults. It gave families opportunities to not just listen to each other but ‘hear’ each other and work toward their own solutions.

“Parents in conflict are in crisis; it’s difficult in that state to attend fully to the children they both love,” Goldson says. “And their children fear creating more distress, so they hold on to their worries and the trouble compounds. If children’s views are sought, they need to see them used, otherwise they can end up feeling betrayed. Mostly children want to be heard within their families.”

Lucy’s dilemma threatened her life.
Read more…

Julie Children, Research, Separation

This information is provided on the Family Court of New Zealand website.

Introduction
When a married couple or a couple who have entered into a civil union decide to separate it can be the first step towards eventual dissolution (divorce) of the marriage or civil union. There are a lot of things to consider at every stage of this journey. Children should be at the top of that list, but there can be many other areas of concern as well. Your finances, your family home, who gets to keep what, how you will manage your family going forward, etc.

Whether you have decided to divorce or are just considering separation, you should be well informed about your legal rights and obligations and what help and support is available – to you and to all of those in your family who will be affected.
General Advice and Information
Common questions, getting advice and support, your options and the legal process for separation and divorce . . .
Read more…

Julie Separation

Many families are finding their own ways to be a family even though they live apart. When parents separate, that’s about the adult relationship between the two of them. Children whose parents part still need their family. They need robust relationships with their parents.

These links explore strategies families can use to build loving resilient family relationships that don’t depend on living together.
Read more…

Julie Separation

The Guardian October 22 2008

Children of parents who separate are four times as likely to develop emotional disorders than those in families that stay together, the Office for National Statistics said yesterday. A study of more than 5,000 children aged between eight and 19 found nine risk factors that were associated with the development of emotional problems such as anxiety, depression and obsessions. Top of the risk list was parental separation.
Read more…

Julie News, Separation

Some modern-day nuptials are turning tradition on its head, as a growing number of men take on their bride’s surname. David Astle meets the men who say, “I do… take your last name.”

Imagine if Lachlan Murdoch morphed overnight into Lachlan O’Hare. Or Michael Zeta-Jones filled the bill, honouring his other half, Catherine. Meanwhile, upon the field of dreams, David Beckham wows the crowd as David Adams, after his wife Victoria.

Strange as it sounds, the scenario is gathering traction. Across Australia, the modern groom is saying “I do” when offered his wife’s surname. While for now it may only number in the dozens, the trend of taking the woman’s surname in marriage is catching on. What factors lead to this decision? Before hearing from three couples, let’s take a walk down history’s aisle.

For centuries – in a male-skewed society, of course – the bride has been the mandatory bearer of her husband’s surname. Much like a chattel, the missus-to-be was forfeited as her father’s living property unto the custody of her new beau, with the name-shift reflecting this transfer.
Read more…

Julie News, Separation