NZ Single Parents Trust

You may not have known this…but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in … but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off … it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed … but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object … because to get them to go anywhere … you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female … because they are soft … squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female … because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male… because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because…over time…all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male … because in the last 5000 years … they’ve hardly changed at all … and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male…but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it…and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push….he just keeps trying

New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots … especially during evening hours … the Edinburgh City Council has established a ‘Women Only’ parking lot at the Tesco shopping center. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh !

These are from a book called ”Disorder in the Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

……………….

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, Nine Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?’

His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

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