No help for solo dads, study finds

By NAOMI ARNOLD – The Nelson Mail

Last updated 13:00 23/07/2009

Nelson man Rob van Nek had a tough time when he suddenly became a single father.

“She left, and I thought, ‘I don’t know if I can do this. Can I work fulltime and raise three boys? Can I find enough time?’. I felt I needed support, and there wasn’t anything out there.

“I thought, ‘I mustn’t be the only one in this situation’.”

He wasn’t. Mr van Nek’s experience reflects the results of a new Families Commission study that finds newly separated fathers can’t find the help they need from community services.

The study, Pathways Through Parental Separation, analysed discussions with 20 separated fathers in Nelson and Christchurch. Nelson-based researchers David Mitchell and Philip Chapman talked with two focus groups. They found there was an “urgent need for male-friendly services”, and for existing services to engage with fathers.

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Mr Chapman, who also works as the Nelson Marlborough District Health Board’s Male Room coordinator, said separation was a shock to the men, who usually hadn’t initiated it.

“Nationally, when you look at the figures, women tend to initiate breakups more than men.”

He believed that most children were brought up under a matriarchal figure, and men who left the family found there was not much of a role for them.

“You’re asked to make your payment every week in terms of finances. One guy told me he sees his children every other Wednesday for two hours.”

The study contradicted the view of many service providers that the services were there for all family members, Mr Chapman said. “That contradiction needs to be urgently addressed.”

Mr Chapman said that for many of the men, the study was the first opportunity to share their experiences with others.

Mr van Nek said the survey results were an echo of his own experiences. He said it was automatically presumed that the mother was the best parent.

“I felt that as the father, I had to prove that I was fit. I noticed in the [Family Court] relationship counselling room that the walls are plastered with support for women, and the only thing that’s on the wall for a man is a poster saying `It’s Not OK’, about domestic violence.

“A guy sitting in that waiting room, while she’s taking numbers of services and picking up pamphlets and stuff he must think, `Well, I’m stuffed’.”

Mr van Nek said he worked in government family services and was the only man in the office. He hadn’t noticed much support for men there either.

“I have an endless range of services and supports that I can offer the mum. We have folders of services and supports. But nothing for the men.”

Relationship Services spokesman Cary Hayward said counselling often focused on helping parents reach an agreement on arrangements for the children, but it also needed to help them deal with the separation. “It’s important that men find a counsellor they are comfortable with. Often, men will find it easier to talk to a male counsellor.”

The Families Commission has posted a poll on its website thecouch.org.nz to find out more about people’s experiences, understanding and views on separated parenting.

MEN’S GROUP SNUBBED

A men’s lobby group yesterday staged a protest outside the Families Commission in Wellington after the commission cancelled a scheduled meeting with its representatives.

Commission chief executive Paul Curry snubbed the Fathers Coalition on his board’s advice after becoming concerned that its supporters were planning to hand out inflammatory leaflets to boys outside schools.

Mr Curry said the leaflet was anti-family and an attack on the wellbeing of young men in their formative years, with claims about societal problems stemming from homes without fathers.

“The leaflet itself we weren’t worried about it was the tactic of handing it to boys outside schools.” – NZPA
http://www.stuff.co.nz/nelson-mail/news/2666950/No-help-for-solo-dads-study-finds