Toddler tantrums – and how to manage them

Parenting expert Diane Levy provides practical advice on how to handle toddler tantrums.

I used to think most tantrums could be fixed by walking away. That was called planned ignoring. The alternative was to say “stop that yelling,” and, if the child persisted, to punish him/her by putting him/her in Time Out until he/she had calmed down.
Once I had grasped the idea of using emotional distance (see the ‘Time Out’ article) rather than praise or punishment, I was still left in a quandary about tantrums. Was the child in need of my support or was he/she simply being unreasonable?

Nowadays I understand that not all tantrums are created equal. We can be more effective in helping our children deal with their feelings which threaten to overwhelm them, if we can recognize what type of tantrum they are having.
And the nominations are…..

There are tantrums of despair, where the child is distressed because he/she is frustrated or hurt or offended. And there are tantrums of control, where the child is furious or angry because he/she cannot have his/her own way.

Strangely enough, tantrums of despair and tantrums of control look much the same. Just think of watching an unknown child having a tantrum, complete with wailing and screaming, in a supermarket. Some of us think, ‘Oh, that unfortunate child. He’s/she’s probably been out for too long and is exhausted.’ Others think, ‘Why doesn’t the mother/father do something with that noisy little brat? He’s/She’s just having them on.’
We’ve all experienced the dreadful feeling when our child is having an out-of-control tantrum in a public place. At that moment, we tend to beat ourselves up, believing that ‘good’ parents can foil tantrums from the outset. These days, if I see a Mum or Dad struggling with a tantrumming child, I tend to think, “Oh you poor thing – who’s going to help you?’ And it is the parent I am fretting about!

Mmmm…..is this despair?

There are times when our children can be really upset or distraught. Their friend hurt their feelings; they whacked their elbow on the table; they were promised a visit to the playground and now it’s raining hard; part of a toy is broken and Mum just turned down a request for that second helping of chips. Our child may be angry, tearful or both.
Our child needs us to understand how upset they are and to have us put their feelings into words. Ideally, our tone of voice needs to match the intensity of their feelings.
– “You really, really wanted more chips, but lunch is very soon.”
– “Your feelings must be hurt by what your friend said.”
– “You’re so disappointed that toy won’t work properly.”
Tantrums of despair require our emotional support. Simply keep your arms around your child, make comforting sounds and wait until your child has regained his equilibrium and can try again or leave it alone.

Or is this…..control?

Strong-willed children are more likely to scream rather than cry and will use an anger tantrum to try and force us to change our mind. If running away or yelling isn’t helping them, they can often resort to pushing or hitting, shouting unacceptable words or even spitting to try and get their own way.Essentially, there is little point in trying to reason (or argue) with them. Our children are so enraged they won’t listen to anything we have to say. Attempting to make logical and reasoned explanations is pretty much a waste of energy when our child is “all feelings and no thinking.”

Trying to distract them is almost impossible with an angry, determined child and threats of punishment rarely stop the rage. A child who isn’t in a calm thinking state won’t be able to understand the potential consequences of where their behaviour is taking them.
Tantrums of control require us to distance emotionally from our child (Time Out) until they have worked out that they are not going to get their own way on this one.

How can we tell which way to go?
Support or distance? I suggest you check your feelings. Are your feelings ‘Poor little thing’? In this case the poor little thing (of whatever age) probably needs your emotional support. Or if your initial response is anger and you’re feeling ‘You little …’ then chances are your child is having a tantrum of control.

Just to be really sure
Try empathy first. Ask, “Do you need a cuddle?” Your child will come to you for comfort if it’s a tantrum of despair.
If they shout, “I don’t like you! Leave me alone!” it’s most likely a tantrum of control and you need to create some distance. Walk away or place them in their room.
After some time by themselves, many children will move from being angry to being upset. They’re now ready for a comforting cuddle.

Different path, same outcome
In either case, what we are after ultimately is that our child solves their problem and comes up with their own pro-social solution. It may be to stop yelling and get on with the rest of their day; it may be to let the little sibling have the block; it may be to leave the puzzle alone and find a more co-operative toy to play with; or it may be to do what Mum/Dad has asked.

With emotional support our child feels comforted and understood and can calm down and think of a way to go about solving the problem. Or, from a position of emotional distance, our child can decide that their current behaviour is getting them nowhere and they need to behave differently. Either way, we have kept the problem with the child; we have not moved to rescue or persecute. Our child has solved the problem and is demonstrating age-appropriate competence.

But wait, there’s more
An over-tired or over-stimulated child can lead to a third type of tantrum – one I refer to as ‘too much day.’ These tantrums often occur after our child has had a perfectly wonderful party or outing and had a very enjoyable time. Everyone has told us, the proud parents, how well behaved and lovely our child was.

Yet within a very short space of time, the little angel has turned into a nasty piece of work, complete with flailing arms and legs, not to mention a temper, as soon as we leave the situation.

So what went wrong? We have gone to considerable lengths to ensure they had a good time and this example of bad behaviour is what we receive? Essentially, having a great time can also be very exhausting for our children (it took me a long time to understand this), so when their tiredness catches up with them, they tend to “lose the plot.” Of course there is no magic answer; usually we simply have to get through the circumstances as best we can. A calm and quiet bath and stories before bed, plus a good night’s sleep can do wonders for restoring our children to their usually delightful selves. Their tendency is to behave as if nothing has happened. We, however, may still be recovering!