I have been asked to give advice on how to get teenagers into helping with housework. You know what I mean. Getting them to pull their weight around the house.
It is hard when you are a single parent especially if you are also working, to keep the house clean and the laundry up to date and teaching your children how to do things for when they leave home. There are too many children living at home now and some of them are even 40 years of age. Living in the comfort of their serving parents.
I want you to think hard about that. Do you want your children living at home when you are 60 or 70 and they are using home as a drop in centre when they have a life and are a burden when they don’t? Forget about building a flat down the back for them as most single parents will never be able to afford that and forget about feeling sorry for them because buying their own home is harder than it was yesteryear. You are a person first and as a parent it is your role to get them ready for the real world to the best of your ability. (helping out while they save money is not the same thing or when they are in desperate need for help that is short term)
This is your motivation to put the energy into them while they are teenagers. You want what is best for them without being their slave. Because a slave does no good in making teens independent.
So let’s get down to it.
The one thing that is important to know when dealing with training teenagers is that you have to be a broken record. They don’t get it straight away. Consistency and persistence is the key. They will test you 100 times, they will complain 100 times, and they have 100 excuses. Just learn to say, “NO” and “YES”. Getting into debate with them is pointless. Losing your mind and yelling at them is pointless. My most well used sentence became, “This is not negotiable”. I would say it 100 times back if I had to. “This is not negotiable”. “This is not negotiable”. “This is not negotiable”. “Do you realise how much time you are wasting on me telling you, this is not negotiable”. “What did I say?”. “This is not negotiable”.
I started mine with dishes. At first it was one washes and one dries. Then when my nephew came to stay I made it 10 dishes each and that did not include cutlery. You see, I made a game out of it.
Every second Sunday we each had to choose what we were going to do. Putting everything on paper and letting each choose a job from the hat so to speak was different but caused problems because teenagers complain when they do more than the other. But I was on a mission and so something else needed to be used.
I gave them the responsibility of their own rooms. “I need your sheets to wash”, was enough to start the ball rolling in the morning. Nagging for the rest of the time was helpful but not much fun. Then they were to wash their own clothes. It meant more wash loads but it has taught them to use the washing machine and this way I was never in control or able to be blamed for their clothing problems.
Then I found that I was the one always having to make sure everyone was doing what they were meant to do. That was annoying because I had to be the motivator and if I was tired things did not get done. And slowly we did fall back to me doing the work.
So then I tried something that I found to be a great tool.
I told the kids that we were having a family meeting on Wednesday nights. Just one hour … or more if they wanted to use it. The looks back were strange and the replies were, “I am not going to do that”.
So I made Wednesday nights take-away night. I started with the ‘family feast’ from KFC. I have to be honest and say that food is a good tool.
Anyhow, while they were enjoying their meal, I asked them what they needed to do during this coming week. Did they have an assignment due? Was there a shop they wanted to go to? Was there something that they needed to get motivated for?
Of course there was. And then I wrote them down on separate pieces of paper, one for each of us. Yes, I had to do it too. I am part of the family after all. And then came the final triumph. They had to sign their piece of paper.
On the first meeting they scoffed at the idea. “I am not doing that”, came back the answer. But I persisted and asked them what they wanted for next weeks take-aways. And suggested that we can’t put the TV back on until these papers are signed.
So next week came and new goals were made and new things added. We were using family time to make family decisions and the housework is a family decision. And a family commitment. No more was mum in charge. Now a list was in charge and it was rewarding for them and for me when each Wednesday night we were able to celebrate our achievements. 3 small goals is what we started on.
Still today we have our family meeting and our family take-aways and I will tell you that it has made my life wonderful as a single parent. We have a list of things that need to be done each week and we are working on bigger goals by creating short steps to make them happen. The teenagers have goals and a direction. And are motivated by breaking the goals down into achievable steps. You can even add saving for something on the list. Getting a part time job. Homework for assignment deadlines.
And family meeting time is a great time to get to know what is happening in each others lives. Plus it helps each other help the other. No more selfishness when you are working together. Each knows that the other has their own path to take.
And the housework gets done by everyone. We did have to negotiate and the lawns were divided into sections. But who said there is only one way of doing things? Let you teens be creative and let them help decide how things will get done. You will find this tool very successful I promise you.
I would enjoy to hear what other parents have found to be successful. There is more than one way to skin a cat. I mean climb a mountain. (skinning teenagers is not a healthy thing for me to promote)
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