An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. One U.S. official asked “Chief Two Eagles, You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances, you’ve seen his progress, and the damages he has done.” The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
“When white man found land, Indians were running it …
No Taxes
No Debt
Plenty buffalo
Plenty beaver
Woman do all work
Medicine man free
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing
All night have sex
Then Chief Two Eagles leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
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Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
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The Spanish Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is a ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computadora”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (”el computador”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women lost.
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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Alex proposed to me an hour ago,”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell,”
Her mother replied, “marry him anyway. Between the two of us, We’ll show him how wrong he is.”
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph. The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” s he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. She pushes her luck. “I want the house,” s he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too,” s he continues.
65 mph.
“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge abutment. This makes her nervous, so s he asks him: “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies — in a quiet and controlled voice, “No, I’ve got absolutely everything I need,” he says.
“Oh, really,” the wife inquires, “so what, exactly have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and says, “The airbag.”
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Woman: Would you get married again if I died?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them — she’s left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket please” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the tax department.”
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly angry now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, You are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said,”Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
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Two women, just newly arrived at the pearly gates, are comparing stories on how they died and reached Heaven.
1st woman: “I froze to death.”
2nd woman: “How horrible!”
1st woman: “It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”
2nd woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband of cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.”
1st woman: “So what happened?”
2nd woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there, I started hunting all over the house. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds.”
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”
1st woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be alive!”
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